Vidya, I am gonna give up wattpad! It’s getting too much! These stories are so amazing, they build your hopes and you start expecting that to happen to you. But we all know guys like that don’t exist in real life. We will not find guys who will sweep us off our feet, with who we will fall in love head over heels, said Mariah for the millionth time to me. I on the other hand always told her to never lose hope, that she is a good person and deserves every ounce of happiness she dreams of. That one day she will find a guy as amazing as the protagonists of the love stories we read.
But this millionth time she said these lines I agreed with her. For the very first time I agreed with her. I told her that it is time we give up wattpad though she didn’t ask me a reason for this change in me. Maybe she thought I finally came to my senses and I am set to face the real world. But that was not the real reason. This happened two weeks ago. I told her there is this one last book in my library I am gonna read and that will be the end of wattpad for me cos the book I was currently reading made me so bitter that I didn’t want end my journey with wattpad on a bitter note.
I even tried to write about it. About how I felt but nothing came up. After two unsuccessful attempts I gave up. I couldn’t come up with the right words to express the ocean of feelings I had. I was in a distressed state and reading a book about a filthy rich dominating Italian guy falling in love with a simple girl who he wanted at any cost, even if it meant forcing her and making her life miserable made me even crazier. A few days before I started this book I had a situation in my life, a very disturbing conversation with somebody important that changed my perspective about life. That shook my roots and made me question my beliefs. After all that I have been through in my life these beliefs were my last strings hanging strings to sanity that kept me hopeful in life. But that one night, that one conversation changed it all. I started questioning myself, my beliefs! I based my future on these beliefs and drew a picture for myself but in one night I didn’t have a future, I didn’t have a game plan, I was blank!
The more I thought about it the more doubts and queries I had. The more distressed I got. So the only thing I could think of was to read. It was the only thing that could distract me, that could stop my continuous thoughts, that could give me a break and take me on a ride into this new and different world even for a while. Since last year Mariah introduced me to wattpad all I did was read and I read only love stories. Wattpad for me was strictly for love stories. Whenever I was depressed or sad I took to reading. This was my way of dealing with life. I ran from life to get lost in this magical yet realistic world that these books created for me. So like always this time too I started reading and the book I found was this Italian billionaire one but for the first time a book didn’t distract me.
Contrary to my idea of escape it aggravated my distress. The more I read the more I thought about my situation. As I kept reading my fury kept building. I went into this dark place which was making me hate everything. Soon my situation and the book were both my problems. They in some weird got mixed in my mind and I couldn’t stop thinking. I just couldn’t! Slowly I stated hating that book, the characters, men, marriages, love, relationships, my life and the people around me, anything and everything! Throughout that one week I read that book I was no more crying out of joy or doing a happy dance. I was not cooing like a teenage girl. I wasn’t smiling to myself or being understanding and by the time I was done with the book I was glum, exhausted and bitter and lost. I was rather crying for some unknown reason. I was so pissed with myself cos I couldn’t knock some sense into that dominating jerk in the book. (Cos let’s face it, how could I?! he was “fictional” after all) The usual content feeling was missing. I wasn’t satisfied or missing reading it. I wasn’t gleaming with happiness. I was numb! Never in my life had I hated a character so much. I despised the male protagonist.
I started hated love stories! “I HATED LOVE STORIES!” I stopped believing in love. I stopped believing in the existence of good, loving and caring men! Not that I ever hoped to find a prince charming for myself but I always thought good men do exist. (The readers are strictly prohibited from physically assaulting me or cursing me or even rolling their eyes after reading this line) But after that one week of misery I started believing that men like that do not exist in real world like Mariah said. All men are mean, selfish and disrespectful of women. I started believing that “good men” are a myth! I got scared that I have lost my last resort. I thought that I will no more have that warm feeling when read a love story. After this book I read another book but yet again I was numb, there were no butterflies in my stomach for every kiss, there was no floating feeling, I wasn’t fully involved and living the book. I was getting distracted easily and taking far too many breaks. I was emotionless throughout and gave up hope on getting back those warm feelings. I became this cold soul!
For two weeks after this I didn’t read anything. But somehow in those two weeks I was able to calm my mind. I channeled all my time and energy into working on myself and other things I had to attend to. Somehow I managed to make myself feel content with all the work I accomplished. I busied myself to the extent that I didn’t have time to think of anything else or read. In those two week I dealt with my problems as well. Those two weeks changed me yet again. By the end of those two weeks I was able to come in terms with myself and others as well. But those two weeks ended three days ago and right then Mariah told me about this new book called “All the wrong reasons” she read in wattpad. Yes, the same wattpad “we” gave up! I told her I would read it cos in my frenzy to finish all my work and keep myself busy I actually finished all my work and had nothing to do for the weekend and also cos it was by the same author who penned the first book I read in wattpad.
So I added this new book to my library and started reading it three days ago with the opinion that I will remain emotionless and it wouldn’t make a difference for me. I thought I would get distracted very easily and get bored of reading it. Deep inside I was scared to be so emotionless while “reading”! (Never even in my worst nights did I think “I” would be bored of reading) The first day of reading was the way I expected it to be…emotionless! But once I start a book I never stop it in the middle and would finish it anyway and so I had to go on. But on the second day i.e. yesterday I found myself getting involved into the story and ending up reading the entire day. By the end of the day I was surprised to be feeling anxious to know what happened next. And then today happened!
Today after the completing half of the book I found myself smiling again. The butterflies are back in my stomach! I am reeling with anger for all the worst moments. I was getting worked and dying to go back to reading whenever I had to take a break. Suddenly in the middle of the night I found my face wet cos of the tears that were rolling down my cheeks cos of a simple I LOVE YOU. I realized I am again living in this magical world I love that these stories create for me. I was sharing the feelings of these fictional characters and now at 5 am in the morning I am still reading and writing this post in the breaks I take. I am back! My books and love stories are back! My wattpad is back!!!
I am a night person. They say that great minds work at night. (NOT bragging) I love reading and writing at nights. It’s my time and tonight is one of those amazing nights. I now understand that the way I get involved with these I try to understand my life based on them and that is why I get so attached to them and the characters. I love love stories cos they give me hope. They give me this immense understanding of the human emotions. These stories are not all about the love a guy and gal share but all the different relationship a person has with all the people in his life. At the end of every book I read I learn something new. I get to rediscover myself with every book. With every book I finish I am grateful for what I have. I now remember why these fictional characters mean so much to me. They remind me that along with the crazy people I also have these amazing people in my life I love. They remind me that no matter what I need to remain strong. They remind me that though I don’t have a guy head over heels in love with me I have these amazing friends and sisters who love me greatly. They taught me how to stand up for something I love.
People say love stories are cheesy but there is always more to these stories that the cheesy moments and wooing lines. Within all these stories there is life and hope. I took to reading to avoid reality but today it is my strength. Today this story has made me fall in love yet again. Now I understand that my last book made me bitter cos I was already bitter with the unavoidable circumstances I was in but today am back to feeling wonderful cos I am content with my present state. It all just comes down to the state of mind I have. I faced and fought my demons and hence am back to loving these stories. I just had to stop hiding and work things out. For all its worth I am glad I took this chance and started reading again!